Serious moment: I'm not a prude and I'm not a pushover.

This whole 50 Shades of Grey thing has me thinking a lot about a topic that most of my friends and I don't agree on: Porn.  I'm not okay with it.  It's something I've never been comfortable with and the few times I've watched it I felt gross and dirty.  Rationally, I can see the appeal.  Emotionally, I just don't get it.  So when people hear that porn is not allowed in my house, and that it is a deal breaker for my marriage, they think I'm being unreasonable.  "Men need porn" is, in my opinion, a bullshit cop-out.  If you and your spouse mutually enjoy it together, good for you!  But don't judge the relationship my husband and I have just because I can't stand having it in my house.  To me, porn is sex, and sex is something that The Captain will enjoy with only me or he can GTFO.  Thankfully, he understands.  He can put himself in my shoes and can honestly say that he wouldn't be comfortable with me watching porn, either.  Maybe we're both a little insecure and, yes, we both know each other to be jealous types, but it works for us because we know exactly how the other is feeling.

So when I say I have no interest in becoming part of this 50 Shades of Grey craze because my husband wouldn't approve...  I'm not being a pushover or letting him control me.  I don't want to read it because he doesn't want me to.  Not because I'm a good-little-wifey that thinks how she's told to think, but because I am respecting his feelings the same way he respects mine.

What a Change...

I just finished reading through my past blog posts and, WOW... they were depressing!  But, sadly, that's where I was.  And now here I am, looking back on how I was feeling, marveling at how much can change in a few months' time.

Since my last post I have healed wonderfully from abdominal surgery, joined a CrossFit gym, dove headfirst into a strict diet and rigorous exercise plan, and I ran my second 5k (though technically it was only 2.45 miles).  I am up at 5 a.m. nearly every weekday morning, at the gym by 6, and home by 7:30, a happy and sweaty mess.  For the most part I have cut out grains, sugars, and starches again (with the exception of 2 weeks of birthday party, camping, and child-free vacation food).  Cabin Boy #2 is officially done nursing and we're getting the big kids ready to start school next week.

The changes I've made have been crazy, but the changes in the way I FEEL are truly amazing.  Looking back, my instincts that my depression was stemming from the chronic pain I was in were spot on.  And now that I don't have the excuse of being in pain to hold me back, there's no stopping me!  I've been more productive and making healthier choices in the kitchen, on top of my chores once again, more patient with the kids, and less of an emotional roller coaster.  Now that I'm on the road to reaching some of my fitness goals I feel better about myself physically, too.  Not because I want to look a certain way, but because I want to be able to say, "Yes, I'm fit!"  Of course, having a nice butt is icing on the cake...

We're getting into a new routine now, also.  It goes hand in hand with the extra productivity I've had.  While I'm at the gym The Captain gets the kids up, changed, and fed, and puts away the clean dishes from the night before.  Cabin Girl and I shower together, then she (starting next week) gets ready for school.  Starting next week we'll all have to be ready to head out the door by 8:45 to get CG to school on time, and Tuesday/Thursday is Cabin Boy #1's preschool day.  Throughout the day I put dirty dishes in the washer as soon as we finish using them, so I don't have a huge pile of dishes staring at me from the counter after dinner, I get my daily chore (alternates between cleaning the bathrooms, scrubbing floors, cleaning bedrooms, etc), and wash several loads of laundry.  When The Captain gets home he helps with the kids while I make dinner then we all relax/play together until bath time.  The Captain bathes and dresses the boys while Cabin Girl picks up the living room and I put together lunch for the next day for her and Captain, prep the coffee pot so all he has to do is push a button in the morning, and wash whatever dishes are leftover.  I'm hoping this routine will afford me the time to continue my Medical Transcription training and get some craft time in...  We'll have to see how CB1 adjusts to preschool and if CB2's nap schedule becomes more concrete.

All in all, I guess I just wanted to share my joy at being in a better place, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I hope to share more of it soon!

Good vs. Great

Do you ever just get frustrated that you don't have something you're great at?  I know I'm good at a lot of things, and, given time and effort, I could be great at them as well...  But, I know myself.  I get bored easily, and what feels fun one week turns into a chore the next.  I am surrounded by such an amazing group of talented people and almost every single day I get jealous and depressed, because I haven't found my 'thing' yet.  How do I narrow it down to one, five, or even ten things that I'd like to learn and become better at?  I'm sick of waiting for it to come to me, yet I'm so afraid of wasting my time, money, and energy on something that I will eventually not like to do...

Dear Person that I want to be.

I'm writing a letter to myself.  Specifically, to the part of me that I want to show up more often.

Hey, it's me, that part of us that you're leaving to flounder on a daily basis.  I know you're in there somewhere.  I know you can hear me.  I know you watch me break down when I finally get 5 minutes to shower by myself, every other day.  Where have you gone?  I need you.  

I need you to come help me finish these to-do lists that you thoughtfully mapped out for us.  I need you to kick my ass into following the budget plan that we agreed would get our family on the path to achieving our goals for the future.  

I miss your creativity, and the way you used to sing and dance in the kitchen while we would make something delightfully bad for us.  I miss the way you were patient with the kids when I wasn't.  I miss your productivity, and how it made me feel like a domestic goddess.  I miss your giggle and how it would peal through the room at the slightest provocation.  I miss the way it felt when you would suggest something fun and spontaneous to do with the kids.  I miss the way you could make intimacy with Z so much more than a physical connection.  

I hate who I am without you.  I hate that I can't be happy without you; we never did like being co-dependent.  

I hate knowing that part of me is missing and I don't know where to find you. 

Without you, I am sad.  I am sloppy, lazy, and I just don't care.  Without you, I'm just grumpy, impatient, and mean.  

Without you, I am not the mom and wife that I had dreamed and hoped I would be.

Please come back soon.  Please tell me where I can find you so we can all be happy again.

Sincerely,

Me

Welcome to Baby Land!

I found out today that one of my friends from WAY back is expecting her first baby.  I'm super excited for her and want to drown her in congratulations and questions, BUT.

We aren't close anymore.  We have minimal interaction, even with the various technologies that make relationships a breeze now a-days. I don't want her to feel like now that she's having a baby she's suddenly worth my time and attention, but that's kind of how it is.  Not because I'm more interested in her baby than her, but because now we're on common ground.  

When you become a mom, it's hard to find things in common with other women that don't have children and it's hard to keep friends that don't have babies around the same time.  Where their worries include work, clothes, and friends, yours is baby, baby, and baby.  Where their fun is friends, parties, and spontaneity, yours is playdates, pat-a-cake, and nap schedules.  Getting together involves so much more than grabbing your purse and sunglasses and hopping in the car.

So, expecting and new moms, when a woman with children approaches you and seems to suddenly take an interest in your new life, I hope you don't take it the wrong way.  It's not the baby that makes you interesting, it's just that now we're on the same playing field.  

Congratulations and Game on!

Comeback challenge

A new leaf is turning.  Cabin Boy #2 is 6 months now and we're starting to sleep train.  I have plans, oh so many plans, to get things in and around the house into shape.  But, how to do it?  I'm challenging myself.  

I will do 1 thing every day that I can be proud of.  Tonight, while the hubby and I watch our shows, I will make a list of all the things I want to do, all the things I need to do, and all the things that I dream of doing.  Every day, I will cross one thing off of that list.  

That's all I have time for now, but I'll be returning... it's on my list.  ;-)

Speculating

I haven't blogged for a bit.  I've wanted to though.  The clarity it affords me is amazing.  I'd like to encourage everyone to journal or blog; it forces you to actually sit down and examine what's going on inside your head.

I'm writing tonight to say, I think I found it.  The spiritual outlet I've been seeking.  That SOMETHING that eludes me on a daily basis and, like a dust speck, every time I try to focus on it the light shifts and it disappears.  Let me start by saying that I've never felt I belonged to a church.  I've never been one for God and scriptures.  If I can't experience it with one of my 5 human senses, I just can't accept it.  What does that leave me with, in terms of available religions?  Not a lot.  I'm not one to take giant leaps and faith is hard for me.  But, I was blindsided tonight. 

To backtrack: I've always been fascinated by the celestial.  Moons, stars, the sun, zodiacs, constellations...  I never chose to learn much about anything beyond how to find the big dipper and what being a Gemini really means, but if it had a celestial theme, I was drawn to it (as proven by my childhood room decor and the tattoo I designed for my family).

In my recent literary searchings I picked up a book on Wiccan Traditions.  My dearest childhood friend is Wiccan and I've always thought it interesting.  I've been picking through it over the last week or so but tonight...  here's that blindside I mentioned before.  I got to a chapter on Wiccan themes.  Like many religions, there are branches.  Without realizing it I came upon the Celestial Theme.  I don't know how to explain the revelation I had.  I almost feel stupid for not realizing it earlier.  If this is what people mean when they say they were 'just drawn to it', I now completely understand.  This is something I have already wondered at, based within something I can see, I can experience the effects of it in my everyday life by walking outside and see it by looking into the sky.  

Coincidentally (or not?), tomorrow is the eve of the Wiccan New Year.  Samhain marks a fresh start and I will mark it as the first day of a new path on this journey of rediscovery.  I haven't been this excited about something, felt so deep down that this is right, since I walked down the aisle to Zach's waiting hands.  

I am eager.  I am terrified.  I am relieved.  And, I am grateful.  I think this is it.