How can I be so lucky and feel so deprived? Am I spoiled? Do I just not understand how good I've got it?
When you can't go into the bookstore with your children, not only because you don't have the energy, but just KNOWING what a task it will be takes all the fun out of the idea. When the people in a fast food drive through start to recognize you because your only escape is strapping the kids in their seats and driving until everyone either passes out or claims they're starving. When a room is finally clean after an hour of hard work and distractive play for a whole 5 seconds only to be destroyed when you turn around to tackle the next task.
When you look upon your husband's job... the long hours, the coworkers, the inclimate weather, the problem solving, the danger... with envy, and you resent him the 30-45 minutes he gets alone in the bathroom to wash off the day before facing a pregnant wife and 3 children who NEED his attention. Because he was outside. He got to interact with others. He feeds us tiny morsels of what life is like in the real world on a daily basis because he's THERE. He's IN IT.
When you feel guilty for making plans out of the house 2 nights in a row. When a Dr. appointment and parenting class elicit such feelings of bliss that it shakes you to your core. 'Please let the Dr. be running behind so I have an extra 10 minutes to stare out this window with nothing but my thoughts.'
Oh Mother, is this what I sound like now?
When you've become so sucked into the lives of these tiny people that need everything from you that you lose yourself. You are a cup and they take gulp after gulp after gulp out of you, never able to quench their thirst, rarely, and sometimes never, giving you time to refill. After a time you begin to stop offering yourself as a cup. An empty vessel is not useful if it does not have something to carry within it.
What can I fill my cup with? What do I like to do? What music do I like? Is there a new book I could read? When did I stop knowing everything about myself?
Is this really who I've become?
I came across this today and it is what sparked these musings:
Which begs the question:
How do you choose? And, once you have chosen, how do you go about spending more time with these idyllic people without scaring them away? I would certainly be wary of a woman saying, "Hi, I admire you and want to share qualities x, y, and z of yours. Here's my cell, Facebook page, e-mail address, and Twitter handle. Can we start spending every Wednesday afternoon together?!"
Yes. I have become like a child. A toddler, even. Socially awkward. Demanding. Prone to fits and tantrums. Clueless and lost and just hoping someone will come along that's willing to entertain me, spend time with me, understand me... for just a minute. Wait, please, 1 more? Where are you going..?
Am I the only one?
Oh my God I love you!!!! Funny I say that cause I promise I'm not the weirdo you type about. Lol. You are NOT the only one who feels this way because I thought I was the only one who felt this way!! This has been convo topic número UNO at our place this week!!! Paul has been working OT, so he comes home all tired and what not.... Which, I totally get. But... I work all day too. I keep reminding him of that. Helloooo.... I actually work LONGER hours and on far less sleep. Plus.... You get the benefit of an hour and fifteen minutes, alone in a car, TWICE a day... To sip coffee, think, listen to news, music, etc. Not to mention the hours of adult convo you get.... So am I pissed to hear you moan about your day?!? You bet your ass I am. And, maybe I shouldn't be. But I am. He doesn't get it though. I adore my kids.... But this isn't how I pictured motherhood, so it's come as a huge shock. I was fun. Yes, me. Pre kids.... FUN!!! Spontaneous, free spirited, music lover, concert go-er, responsible, but free. When I was that me and thought about a future with kids, I always imagined that those things would be what I passed on to them. They say kids are what they see not what they hear. I'm not what I want them to be. A stressed out, uptight, frazzled, psycho cleaner. But how? How exactly can I give them the old me with so much to do? I use to be colors and now I'm just grey. I want them to have my pre kid self as a mom, but that is impossible! I don't have the answers but appreciated knowing somebody else feels the same. Maybe it's just part of the journey. No clue but none the less, thanks for helping me feel not so cold to feel this way!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. See you Wednesday?! ;-)
DeleteI have to add a couple of quick things! One, I stay up WAY too late, just so that I can have my me moments. I pay for it every morning...grumpy...tired, etc. But, its worth it. I HAVE to have that time. Two.... I seriously caught myself talking to coat hangers last week. That is PATHETIC. I am so use to baby talk and talking to wee one's... I was hanging up clean laundry, and had a convo with the hangers....Oh.... does this wittle hanger wanna get hung back up.... I stopped when I realized what I was doing and almost called to have myself committed. MOTHERHOOD IS A STRANGE BEAST.
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for sharing this! “How can I be so lucky and feel so deprived?” You said it perfectly… You are such a strong, beautiful soul, that it’s hard for us other mommies (in our own peculiar mommy-cages) to remember that the Domestic Pirate has struggles too… Somewhere between the days of single gal and being MOMMY, it’s easy for us to lose track of our identity, and lose track of the important ways in which we gather strength, fill our souls, ready to give and give again to our families. Motherhood is impossible to do alone, isn’t it? We need each other, we need God, we need something greater than ourselves to lean on and re-fill our empty cups… Sending you many hugs and prayers, chica, that you find your core and your strength soon. These days, even though they seem as endless as winter, will pass. And please know that you are not alone! You just express what we all face so beautifully. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThanks Julianne! I miss you like crazy!!!
DeleteMissing you too!!
DeleteYou are not the only one! I always feel like a complete poser and I am waiting for someone to wake up and say, "You don't belong here! How did you get in? Where did you get those kids?"
ReplyDeleteMost days I feel like I'm barely hanging on. I can't remember the last time I finished any meal before it got cold or didn't need to reheat my coffee at least two times!
I also stay up way too late just to get a precious hour or two of quiet and solitude. I take a long hot shower after everyone is in bed and try to read a bit.
And heaven knows I have always been socially awkward. If the wrong thing is to be said, it will be said by me!
Hang in there Miss Pirate! And just in case, I am free most Wed afternoons!
Yes! Poser is the perfect word!
DeleteSocially awkward mom dates at my place on Wednesdays! Yoga pants encouraged.
Very insightful post. I have felt this way many times. Being a mom can deplete you. You vaguely remember the things that used to inspire you, but you are often too overwhelmed to devote any attention to them. Contact with the outside world always does make me feel better, but I too have been out of the social scene (what little social scene I ever was in in the first place)for so long that it is hard to get back in gracefully and I am usually too exhausted to try.
ReplyDeleteI find myself genuinely wondering what it was I did before I become a mom, and frequently come up blank.
DeleteIt's painfully reassuring that so many of us are in the same boat.
Stopping by from the Honest Mom link-up and am nodding along to this entire post. Well said.
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking me out! :)
DeleteHonestly, I fucking hate motherhood these days and wish I could quit. The hours are way too long, there's no pay or bonuses or sick days or vacation, the demands are nonstop, and I have never really liked children. Can I say that? And I have no contact with other adults anymore except online or at drop-off/pickup. So I LOVE your post. And Wednesday, yes. I'll buy the coffee. Or pour the wine.
ReplyDeletePS Stopping by from the Honest Mom link-up.
Yep, I freaking HATE my job most days. But, what can ya do?
DeleteSometimes I give DH a mean stare down when he leaves the house .. to go to WORK! How dare he!!
ReplyDeleteLove this post!! You are a wonderful writer. So glad I met you.
Right?! Doesn't he know there's work to be done at home?
DeleteThank you. I hope we get to meet in person soon!