Renn Faire Privateer Gone Mom.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Good vs. Great

Do you ever just get frustrated that you don't have something you're great at?  I know I'm good at a lot of things, and, given time and effort, I could be great at them as well...  But, I know myself.  I get bored easily, and what feels fun one week turns into a chore the next.  I am surrounded by such an amazing group of talented people and almost every single day I get jealous and depressed, because I haven't found my 'thing' yet.  How do I narrow it down to one, five, or even ten things that I'd like to learn and become better at?  I'm sick of waiting for it to come to me, yet I'm so afraid of wasting my time, money, and energy on something that I will eventually not like to do...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Dear Person that I want to be.

I'm writing a letter to myself.  Specifically, to the part of me that I want to show up more often.

Hey, it's me, that part of us that you're leaving to flounder on a daily basis.  I know you're in there somewhere.  I know you can hear me.  I know you watch me break down when I finally get 5 minutes to shower by myself, every other day.  Where have you gone?  I need you.  

I need you to come help me finish these to-do lists that you thoughtfully mapped out for us.  I need you to kick my ass into following the budget plan that we agreed would get our family on the path to achieving our goals for the future.  

I miss your creativity, and the way you used to sing and dance in the kitchen while we would make something delightfully bad for us.  I miss the way you were patient with the kids when I wasn't.  I miss your productivity, and how it made me feel like a domestic goddess.  I miss your giggle and how it would peal through the room at the slightest provocation.  I miss the way it felt when you would suggest something fun and spontaneous to do with the kids.  I miss the way you could make intimacy with Z so much more than a physical connection.  

I hate who I am without you.  I hate that I can't be happy without you; we never did like being co-dependent.  

I hate knowing that part of me is missing and I don't know where to find you. 

Without you, I am sad.  I am sloppy, lazy, and I just don't care.  Without you, I'm just grumpy, impatient, and mean.  

Without you, I am not the mom and wife that I had dreamed and hoped I would be.

Please come back soon.  Please tell me where I can find you so we can all be happy again.