Renn Faire Privateer Gone Mom.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Dear Person that I want to be.

I'm writing a letter to myself.  Specifically, to the part of me that I want to show up more often.

Hey, it's me, that part of us that you're leaving to flounder on a daily basis.  I know you're in there somewhere.  I know you can hear me.  I know you watch me break down when I finally get 5 minutes to shower by myself, every other day.  Where have you gone?  I need you.  

I need you to come help me finish these to-do lists that you thoughtfully mapped out for us.  I need you to kick my ass into following the budget plan that we agreed would get our family on the path to achieving our goals for the future.  

I miss your creativity, and the way you used to sing and dance in the kitchen while we would make something delightfully bad for us.  I miss the way you were patient with the kids when I wasn't.  I miss your productivity, and how it made me feel like a domestic goddess.  I miss your giggle and how it would peal through the room at the slightest provocation.  I miss the way it felt when you would suggest something fun and spontaneous to do with the kids.  I miss the way you could make intimacy with Z so much more than a physical connection.  

I hate who I am without you.  I hate that I can't be happy without you; we never did like being co-dependent.  

I hate knowing that part of me is missing and I don't know where to find you. 

Without you, I am sad.  I am sloppy, lazy, and I just don't care.  Without you, I'm just grumpy, impatient, and mean.  

Without you, I am not the mom and wife that I had dreamed and hoped I would be.

Please come back soon.  Please tell me where I can find you so we can all be happy again.




  1. Sorry Friend. I actually teared up reading this. I totally know how you feel and could write the same letter to myself

  2. Sometimes we get so caught up trying to be what others want us to be or what we THINK they want us to be that we forget what we need us to be and what our family needs us to be.

    Its when I try to live up to what I THINK others want that I break down and get frustrated the most. Not saying I don't other times but sometimes we can be our worst enemies and the good and sexy part wants nothing to do with us when we aren't true to ourselves. I struggle with this daily. Some days I win, others I break even and still many more days, I fail....

    I too am not the mother or wife I dreamed of being, maybe our dreams weren't realistic? Maybe we have changed? Maybe the world could stop spinning so we could catch up..... who knows. I think society is so bent, hell bent, on being perfect, being the best, being wealthy, being skinny, being whatever, but the problem is very few say they are bent on being happy, and that friend, is the key. Happy doesn't ever seem to fit in any of those. Maybe being happy is not making a ton of money, living in a big house, etc, maybe happy is looking in the mirror and saying, today Lord, help me be happy, and then setting out to be happy, messy house, popcorn for lunch and all.

    I once read that attitude is 99% of everything we do. It's up to US, each one, to decide how we react to situations around us. I love my mother dearly, but I was not taught good coping skills, and neither was she by her mother, and so on. My goal this spring has been to learn better coping skills and pass those on to my child, who I see already is following my rocky path.

    In short, we do the best we can with what we have been given. I am walking with you on that road. I'm here to wave hi and give words of encouragement when you want them, and shed tears with you. We love you and your family.

    1. that was longer than I planned.....

    2. That's the thing Kim, I used to be happy, and spontaneous, and nice. I can't figure out how to get back to that point and it's so frustrating and FRIGHTENING. I don't want to be this bitter, angry being anymore, but as soon as I take 1 step forward it feels like I'm SHOVED 2 steps back! Every time I think I finally have a grip on myself I completely lose it. I'm almost positive it's the chronic pain. I'm HOPING it's the chronic pain, and that once it's fixed I can get back to life as I liked it...

    3. I hope it is. I wish I could blame all of my frustrations on it, but I know in my heart I can't. I know I have problems doing for everyone and letting others tell me who I should be, part of it, well a lot of it, can be traced back in to my early years, gradeschool etc, and how my own mom reacted. But with the pain, we do get frustrated with the things we can no longer do, and we can get frustrated when we THINK others think we should do more. Sometimes people really think we should, but if I am honest, a lot of it is projection on my part. I use to be happy with my body and could work circles around women 1/2 my age, I am not anymore, I want to get back there. Because I will feel better and because it will mean my child has a healthier outlook and our home will be happier. :-)

      I hope your surgery heals you and you no longer have pain. A friend who has had Chronic Pain since long before I met her has had more surgeries than I can count, yet she finds little to no relief. I wasn't a good canidate for surgery, the prognois of it working was almost nil, and would be possibly worse than no surgery. I hope, with all my heart, that you are granted some measure of healing.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this, Jess. You put into words precisely how so many of us feel, but are too scared to admit. I know that I am missing a piece of me too, wondering where it got lost and asking for guidance to find it again - that deep peace, that joy in the little things, the part that makes us a whole again. Praying that you find answers, and find your joy again.

  4. Chronic Fatigue and Chronic Pain are not the same thing by any means, but I think they are affecting our lives in the same way. I miss my energetic, academically-achieving, crafty self. I loathe this new person who can only manage to sleep or study on the computer, leaving the lion's share of household duties to her better half who already works full time(though to his immense credit he never complains and only expresses concern for my health and happiness). We have amazing lives! We should be able to enjoy them! I hope you find the solution to your problem, dear friend.

  5. Wow! This was a deep, beautiful post. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. Yes, I have felt this way before. I have two kids o the autism spectrum and at one point it threatened the choke the life out of me! I wasn't that fashion loving artistic, self I used to be. I am slowly clawing my way back and that's what it's all about, sometimes you run, sometimes, you walk, sometimes you crawl and sometimes you claw your way back. This is what you are doing. Keep doing it. You will get there. I am now a follower of your blog for life! God bless!

  6. Thank you for linking up such a powerful post with Your Place at Equis Place. I love the raw honesty in your words here, and the vulnerability you show. I saw in your comments that you deal with Chronic Pain, and I can see why you'd think your anger would come from there. I know it's not the same, but I've been dealing with severe back pain for only a couple of days, and I've realized it's hard to be happy when I'm in pain! There may be more to it, however, and I hope that you can find that part of yourself that you feel is missing. I often feel like a part of myself is missing too. My depression hides that fun-loving, world-loving, kid-loving part of me, and it's beyond frustrating to not feel complete. It's so important to keep in mind that those parts of us are not totally lost, though; they are just hidden. ~Xiomara