Renn Faire Privateer Gone Mom.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

PPD is the first step

My chunky monkey, Cabin Boy #2, was born a scant 9 weeks ago.  His 5 year old sister, Cabin Girl, and almost 2 year old brother, Cabin Boy #1, absolutely adore him, as does The Captain and I.  But...

It's hard this time.  REALLY hard.  For reasons I can't explain I haven't been able to bounce back yet.  I haven't vacuumed in weeks.  The kitchen is never clean.  Clean laundry is hard to come by.  I lose my temper multiple times a day over stupid things like cups being put in the sink instead of on the counter.  I'm avoiding being social.  Every day The Captain comes home from work and I feel like I don't deserve this amazing life and opportunity he's giving me.  This is my job: clean house, healthy kids, healthy meals at a decent time on a daily basis.  It has been for 5+ years.  So why can't I do it?  I literally, physically CAN NOT get my ass off of the couch unless one of the kids is screaming or has been begging me for food for 10 minutes straight (just to be clear, I don't starve my kids, they've just thought I'm a mobile buffet since the instant they were born and MUST eat every 30 minutes or they will die) or the toilet has flooded the bathroom and laundry room (a story for another day).  I had a tiny case of the blues after CG and absolutely no problem after CB1 was born, so what's the big freaking deal?!

Post partum depression.  My therapist and I are working on it.  I talked The Captain into letting my parents find a new home for our 2 year old dog so that I'd have a little less on my plate and he's stepped up a bit with the kids in the evenings but there's still an underlying feeling of failure and unworthiness in everything I do.  Why is it that now that, as a mother of 3, being a mom is what defines me the most but it's not enough for me anymore?  I'm mediocre at sewing, cooking, singing, scrapbooking and poor at best in the garden.  I have an interest in fashion, photography, music, travel, art, and medicine (I even have an MT Training Program waiting to be studied in my multipurpose room) but I grab onto something and obsess over it maniacally for a month or two and then lose interest.  Unfinished projects abound in nearly every room of my house.  I have plenty to occupy my time yet I spend my days mentally drifting, seeking that SOMETHING that will make me feel like me again.

So here I am.  Taking my homework a step further than my therapist probably intended, but, there's my manic tendencies again: latching on and going 110% with it.  This week it's making a list of the activities/scenarios that I find soothing.  Here's what I have so far:

Singing/listening to music

My goal is to be sure of myself again.  As a woman, mother, and an individual.  Hopefully we can get there without too many tears.


  1. Hugs... lots and lots of hugs. I think you know I had PPD after Sarah and since getting hurt and off work and losing that part of myself I have suffered from depression.

    Just want to tell you, good job recognizing and getting what you need. I have always found great help in having non biased ears listening to me.

    You are one awesome person!

    Love and Hugs!

  2. I wish we could have chatted more while I was in town....

    Hang in there, Jess.