Family dreams, Gender hopes, and Terror, Anxiety, and Guilt

As many of our friends know, we keep the gender of our babies a surprise until birth.  It's been a wonderful experience with all of them.  That moment when the announcement happens:

"It's a girl!" echoed by my mom yelling for the rest of my family out in the hall, "IT'S A GIRL!!!"

"Here HE is!"

"It's another boy!!"

It's amazing.  It's something I wouldn't trade for the world.

Except, this time, there's something I would trade it for.

This guilt.  This terror of being disappointed in the gender of our last baby.  The anxiety I feel about bonding with a baby I may be disappointed in from the beginning.  And, back to the guilt for feeling selfish for being picky about something that so many of my friends wish they could have.

It's no secret we're hoping for a girl.  All through our pregnancies and discussions of what we'd hoped for our family, I made it clear that my biggest dream was to have two of each.  Two girls.  Two boys. 

Well, we have two boys.  And one girl.  

 

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This baby is my only chance to make that dream happen.  And I feel so incredibly guilty for putting pressure like that on this tiny little life that has no say in helping me make that dream come true.

I am so terrified of being disappointed of the words, "It's a boy" that it's making me sick.

I don't want to waste any of this precious baby's life in this world by being disappointed in what he's not.

We had our anatomy scan last night, and The Kraken looks picture perfect.  In the later part of the scan, Cabin Girl and I decided to take the plunge and ask what the gender was.  But, the tech didn't tell us.  Either she knew I was on the fence and made the decision for me, or she just forgot.  I don't know, but it was frustrating.

So, at my midwife appointment today, I will talk to my midwife, and I will go from Team Green to Team Blue or Pink, even if it means sobbing and begging for a quick scan in the office.

I want time to get used to the idea of having 3 boys, if that is indeed what the Universe has in store for our family.  If I am to be disappointed, I want it to happen when it won't potentially affect my ability to bond with this tiny being that will need 100% of me.

Captain doesn't completely understand.  But even without understanding, he knows that I need time this time around.  

I don't know yet if we will make the gender public knowledge.  Those that are close to me will undoubtedly find out shortly after my appointment today.

Cabin Girl is eager to know if she will finally get her little sister, so she will be one of the first to know. 

For now, I will force myself to eat.  And find something to do until that clock hits 10:15 and I can take the boys to my best friend's house so I can go to this appointment alone.

Whatever the outcome, this baby is wanted and loved.  Whatever the outcome, this baby will complete our family.  Whatever the outcome, I will continue to be grateful that we did not experience a loss before this baby like we experienced with each of its siblings.  Whatever the outcome, I will breathe easier knowing that I will no longer need to be afraid.

**Update:  No gender report and I've gained too much weight... yay! I think, for now, I will meditate on my fears and pray for my hopes but I will finish this pregnancy expecting a boy. We'll just keep our fingers crossed for a sweet, pink surprise come delivery time.