We went to a birthday party the other night and I realized that I. Am. So. Boring. And can be perceived as very self-centered.
Several years ago someone told me that I wasn't the type of person she was interested in being friends with. There were a lot of other things said in and around it, but that was the gist, and it hit me HARD. It plucked at my insecurities and made me question the person I was. It still makes me question the person I'm becoming. A blessing in disguise, for sure, but blessings like those are painful.
It made me realize that I AM self centered.
Because I don't have anything to talk about other than the small circle of a world that makes up who I am. Stuff about MY kids. Stuff about MY husband. Stuff about MY crafts. MY workouts. MY feelings, thoughts, opinions... I don't have a sports team that I know the statistics of and can discuss for hours. I don't have a job that broadens my perspective of the world at large. I don't have an education that affords me high class discussions with worldly people.
I've been struggling with being more inviting. Asking people how they are doing instead of just responding to their questions about me. Swallowing my fears of being rejected and asking new people in my life to do things with the familiar ones. Taking chances and going to new things. Admitting that I'm not familiar with certain territory and am totally out of my element.
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| One of these things is not like the other... |
I'm TRYING. And it's HARD.
But, it's what I have. I hope along the road I find more people that enjoy listening to random stories about my kids, pregnancies, and marriage. Because I AM a mother and a wife. I pray that those more in the know than I can offer advice regarding the current craft pattern I can't wrap my head around. Because I AM a crafter (albeit a novice at everything). I dream of a time when I can be an inspiration to women on the road to a healthier lifestyle. Because I AM on that road. I ask that the people I meet be accepting of the fact that I don't have more to offer.
Because this is my life now. It is small. There's not a lot of variety.
I am greater than the sum of my parts. And if you can't accept that my focus is on the things that are important to me, then maybe you aren't the kind of person I'm interested in being friends with anyway.
Kudos. This is a good read. I don't mind your stories about yourself :) fairly fun actually.
ReplyDeleteIronically the people I've found who are the most annoyed with self-centeredness are those who are tied into themselves and not acknowledging it. You've got one up on those. The others are people who wish they could be and don't allow themselves to. Either way Jung and shadow/ego and all that.
Thanks my friend!
DeleteWow, this is brutally honest and really great. The more I write, the more I realize (as you do) that I actually am not boring and that I do have a lot to say. Our stories are all the same really, take away the accessories and we are boiled down to our parts. I think at stay at homes we navigate the world in our boiled down selves a lot of the time and that creates a really beautiful honesty. What is life without that? Loved this!
ReplyDeleteSee, you were saying "self-centered" and I was thinking "introverted." Nothin' wrong with being an introvert!! I mean, I think most of us could do better at being more open to others, but having a small life isn't wrong. (Plus, if you're spending all your time looking outward instead of inward, you wouldn't be able to write posts like this! Lovely!!)
ReplyDeleteI recently had a falling out with a good friend, I can feel your pain. What I realized and it sounds like you did too was that 1) name calling is childish 2) we are not in high school and should not behave like 15 year old girls (it wasn't cool then, and it is not now) 3) in reality it is the other person that is most likely self-centered.
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